October So Far.....

We have had an eventful October already! Last weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and it was so much fun! The eighty degree weather made it even better......we picked out 4 great pumpkins and had a great time. Look at the size of some of those pumpkins!!!

Lila takes this baby doll EVERYWHERE!!! It is pretty cute though.

This past week, Jason's school had their annual Trick or Treat where you go around to the different departments. It was so much fun......we were a little late and I was a bit frazzled, but it ended up great. Sterling was a sumo wrestler and Lila an owl (I did make both costumes.....thank you very much, besides the hat). Sterling won "Most original" costume in his age group......even though they did call him a girl.....geez, it has got to be the hair right? I was surprised that Lila didn't win, but it is ok.....I am kind of a competitive Mom already. :) I love the pics of the two kids with their mad faces.....so classic.

This is one of my closest friends that is moving next week! I am so sad to say bye to her and her cute family......Lila adores her and her daughter K....well, so do I! We will miss you!

J starts finals today and will be done next week.....and then only 2 trimesters left!!!! Wahoo!!! I am soooo looking forward to the next couple of months.....one of my best friends is visiting next week......my sis B next month......and my parents in December! Can't wait!!!

My Grandma and Grey's Anatomy

So today is the 5 year anniversary of my Grandma's death. It is hard to believe, it seems like I was just at her funeral with my entire family celebrating her life. But then I think of all of the things that have happened since then and it seems like it was forever ago. I got married, moved across the country, and had two children. I know we have been blessed so much and she has been watching over us. I have been wanting to write all of this down, each September 22 since then but it had never happened. So both kids are asleep right now and I just got done talking with my Grandpa so I thought it would be a perfect time.

I remember things so clearly about that day. Well, it first started the night before. This sounds silly but every time I watch Grey's Anatomy I think of my Grandma. The night before the 22nd was the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. They had been playing The Fray's song "How to save a life" song over and over again on the commercials. I was living in Las Vegas with my cousin Jayme at the time and we had just finished the previous season a few weeks before on DVD. We were obsessed so I was really looking forward to the new season. My cousin was in San Diego visiting her family so I watched it by myself. For any Grey's fans it was the episode right after Izzy's fiance Denny had died. The episode was focused on her lying on her bathroom floor after his death and all of her friends coming and talking to her. Basically, the episode was about death. It was really good and I didn't really think anything of it. Tonight is the season premiere of this season of Grey's so I know that I will be thinking of her. I know that sounds so weird, but isn't it crazy what memories you have when something big happens in your life? Anyway, that night I was talking with Jason on the phone and we were talking about our upcoming wedding (less than 2 months away) and about my family. I remember him saying how grateful he was for my Grandma and Grandpa and how wonderful it was to have them as examples of a strong marriage and how great it was to have their support in everything. He didn't have grandparents like that and he really admired them. I remember thinking how grateful I was for him to mention that and realize that and how grateful I was for my grandparents. They are basically my second parents. I grew up with them, I saw them multiple times a week, and I adored them.

The next morning I woke up and I think I was a little late for work or I didn't like the way I looked or something and I remember driving and looking in the mirror and saying, "This is going to be a good day. Stay positive." I got to work and started getting everything together, steaming dresses, getting ready for appointments. I don't think we had opened quite yet but the phone was ringing and I headed into the storage room to answer it. It was my mom and I think she told me to stay calm. I was confused. She said that it was Grandma. My Grandma had an aneurysm in her stomach area that she had lived with for many years. It was something that she could live with and she had decided not to get operated on, she would just live her life until it burst, which would take her life. I said what is wrong, and my mom said that it had burst......I remember not believing at first but saying is she ok.....my mom said that she was still alive but really sick, they had taken her to the hospital but there was nothing they could do. She wanted to be at home so they doctors gave her some pain medicine. It was around 10:45am Idaho time when my mom called. So my mom said, Grandma wants to talk to you. She handed the phone over and I heard my sweet Grandma's voice say Hi Courtney. I was silently crying by then......I asked her if she was ok (the only thing I could think of) and told her I loved her. She said she was ok, and said "I am sorry I won't be able to make it to you and Jason's special day. I want you to know I love you very much." I told her I loved her again, probably lots of times and then I said bye and that is all I remember really. My mom got back on and I asked her a few more questions and she said she would keep me updated and that she had to go so that she could help my Grandma. I hung up and freaked out. I had just said goodbye to my Grandma for the last time on the phone. I had just heard her voice for the last time. Luckily there were no customers in the store yet and I ran to the back and went through my bosses office and said my Grandma is dying right now I need to go in the bathroom. I remember sitting there and bawling and bawling. Trying to call Jason and my sister B. She was in school and she didn't know yet. I was so weak. I couldn't believe it was happening. I look back and I was hysterical I think, it was like losing a mother. She was such a big part of my life, and I knew that she was sick and had prepared myself a little, but I don't think you can ever prepare for the loss of someone. I had talked to her a couple of weeks earlier on the phone and she said to me, "keep in touch." We had just had a wonderful family reunion in August and both my Grandma and Grandpa had born their testimonies in church on Sunday and I remember the Spirit being so strong and having tears running down my cheeks. I was so blessed to have this wonderful person in my life.

My boss came in and hugged and hugged me and wanted to know what they could do. They knew I was really close to my family and that I would have to travel to Idaho for a few days for the funeral and to be with my family. I left work and headed home to find flights and be close to my phone. I am pretty sure Jason was in school that day, but I remember him coming over and being with me for a little bit. He brought me a chocolate cream pie shake (my fave) from Sonic to make me feel better. I hope I was nice to him! :) I don't think he had anyone in his life at that point that he was super close with that had passed. I remember sitting on my bed in my room and going through things in my head. My Grandma was still alive and I was praying so much that she wasn't in too much pain. I thought about my Grandpa and what he was going through and my mom and aunts and uncles and all of my cousins. I heard later on that many of them were able to get there from Utah or wherever else to see her before she passed. I think I talked with my siblings lots that day too. Every phone call I received my stomach sunk. I was going through wedding stuff to keep my mind off of everything and I actually had called the Temple to set up the time for my wedding. About 5 minutes after hanging up with them I received a call to say that my Grandma was gone. It really felt like something left me, a piece of me. Thank goodness I have so many wonderful memories of her to fill that void.

The next morning I left for Idaho, Jason wasn't able to make it because of school and work. I flew to Boise to drive with my sister to Idaho Falls. Right when I saw her we both started crying and just hugged. I think the drive was full of conversation about Grandma and the memories we had. We pulled up to my grandparent's house and I lost it. I walked in and the smell and warmth and everything just swallowed me up. Everything was just left how it was always, her little post it notes, her calendar, her water cup, her lotion......I saw my Grandpa and lost it. It was so hard for me to see him without her. The next few days were full of tears but they were amazing days. All of my family was there, all of my cousins and it was like we were little kids again hanging out at Grandma's house. We talked about memories and had lots of laughs.

I was able to go with my aunts, mom, and some of my girl cousins and dress my Grandma for her casket. That was one of the most amazing and spiritual experiences I have ever had in my life. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. It was hard to see my Grandma like that, the last time I had seen her was when I was driving away from her house and her and Grandpa were waving to me on their porch. I remember I hugged her (somehow) and kissed her face and hands. She was so peaceful and beautiful.

Her funeral was so special. She had actually planned it before she had passed (which I am guessing she had it planned out since she found out she was sick). She had her grandchildren and her children have parts in it. Singing, piano playing, violin playing, speaking. The last song the ward choir sang and she had picked it and dedicated it to her children and grandchildren. It was called "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You" and here are the lyrics:

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

Whether near or far away.

May you find that long awaited,

Golden day today . . .

May your troubles all be small ones,

And your fortune ten times ten,

May the good lord bless and keep you,

‘Til we meet again . . .

May you walk with the sunlight shining,

An’ a blue bird in every tree.

May there be silver lining,

Back of every cloud you see . . .

Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows,

Never mind what might have been.

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

‘Till we meet again . . .

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

"Till we meet again . .

I had a hard time getting through that funeral. I remember this so clearly from afterwards when they were putting her casket in the hearse. My boy cousins were the pallbearers and most of them were older but I have 6 cousins that were under 18 and I remember seeing them trying to help carry their beloved Grandma's casket and trying to make sure they held on really tight. That was something that moved me.

She was buried in the cemetery she grew up right down the street from in Parker, Idaho. She is near her parents and siblings who went before. During the drive out there (I am sure she planned this) the hearse drove past the Idaho Falls Temple and then past her childhood home on it's way to the cemetery. It was like her life was in rewind for all of her family to remember.

It was such a horrible but wonderful few days.....I became closer to my family in so many ways. I became closer to the Spirit, I remember just being spiritually lifted and spiritually exhausted. I remember walking off the plane in Vegas and then once I stepped outside to get to the car I lost it. It was like I was headed back to the real world, the world without my Grandma. I could hear loud noises and cussing and smell smoke and see inappropriate things and it made me sick. It was very hard to go back to day to day life.

Our wedding was less than two months away and it crushed me that my Grandma wouldn't be there in person, but I know without a doubt that she was there in that room when Jason and I were sealed. There was an empty seat for some reason in there next to my mom. There should have been lots of other things going through my head, but I was thinking about her lots on my wedding day.

I am so blessed to have had her in my life for 23 years. She is still such an amazing example to me in all that I do. Five years later I still miss her so much. I think about her so much. I SO wish my kids could spend time with her at her house, but I know she is watching me and is so proud. I know that she spent time with Lila and Sterling before they were sent to me. I am SO grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge that I have of eternal families because I KNOW I will see her again, it might be in a long time, but it will be wonderful!

I LOVE YOU GRANDMA!!!

Sterling's Blessing

2nd post today....what?!? That is a miracle.

On July 3, 2011 J blessed Sterling in my parent's ward in Idaho Falls. It was such a wonderful blessing and testimony meeting. My Mom and J bore their testimonies that day and I am so blessed to have wonderful family and great friends who came to support us.

My Grandpa Jay

The circle minus our good friend Mark.

J's step-sister Jessica from Michigan who is going to school at BYU-I.

LOVE his outfit!

What a stud!!!

Our Summer Trip...Pictures

In mid June to the first week of July we were able to spend our last school break EVER (yay!) in Idaho and Utah to visit family and figure out where we are going to end up after this whole school experience is done (June!). We spent a lot of time playing with cousins, aunts/uncles, grandmas and grandpas and great grandpas. We celebrated my parents 40th Wedding Anniverary and also headed up to Island Park for the day. We did SO much in the couple weeks we were there, it was a lot of fun! Here are a gazillion pics to show for it!

To my Lila

To my Lila girl:

I can't believe two years have passed since I held you in my arms for the first time. You were fresh from heaven and you were all mine. I knew when I found out I was pregnant that you were going to be a girl and that you were going to be my Lila Kristine. You are named after two incredible women and I know you will realize that one day.

I love that you make me laugh and smile every single day. You are so smart and I am amazed how much you pick up and learn. I love that you know you are silly, and that you know you make us laugh so you continue whatever you are doing. I love that when you repeat something to me that I have told you like, "listen to mommy" or "help me please" or "stop it" or whatever else, you always nod your head like you are agreeing (or bossing me). I love when you just come up to me and give me a hug. It melts me. I love how when you get excited you run in place or jump up and down. When you show off to people that come over, you run in circles or shake your head from side to side over and over again. I absolutely love your little run because you jump and kind of kick out your legs with each step.

I love when I find you reading a book by yourself or when you are playing by yourself and having little conversations. In the morning when I can hear you playing with your 15 stuffed animals/baby dolls that are on your bed, I love to listen. I love watching you play with your dolls......you lay them down like you are going to change their diaper and say, "ew, yucky" and go get the wipes and a diaper......you bounce them in your arms like I do your brother when I want him to calm down.......you make sure they are covered with a blanket. You are so precious.

You are a little stubborn, but you are still sensitive. You get your feelings hurt sometimes and even though it is so sad, you make this face that is classic. You stick your bottom lip out as far as it goes and you come straight to me and bury your face in my body and cry. Even when I am upset at you, it still makes me smile. Even though you are definitely independent I love that you need me, just like I need you.

I love that you love me no matter what I look like or what I do. I have this problem where I think too much of what others think, but I know that you will love me always. You help me with my weaknesses, even if you don't understand what they are. I love that you repeat "no crying" when I say it to you, and then if I am crying or upset you come up to me and say, "Mommy cry? No crying mommy!"

Even though it drives me crazy, it is hysterical that you know how to push my buttons. You are good at it, you know what you are doing. You love to stare at me and then continue to do something with your hands that I have asked you not to do. I tell you to stop it and then I smile and then you start giggling.....how am I ever going to discipline without laughing???

You are such an amazing sister to Sterling, I know that you two will be good friends. Even though he is a bit scared of you sometimes (especially when you are running towards him), he loves you lots and loves when you laugh and play with him. I can't wait when you two can play more once he gets a bit older. You are very protective over him and whenever someone else holds him I am pretty sure you think they are stealing him and you make sure I know where he is at all times. I know you will be a big example to him.

You ADORE your daddy. Whenever you hear his truck outside driving in the alley, or another car that is loud, you look at me with wide eyes and an "oh" expression on your face and say, "DADDY!" Mostly every time he comes to the door you run and see him. You love to say "Daddy's truck" when you see it or when you see any other red car/truck. Let me tell you something, your daddy adores you too. He tells me everyday that you are so cute and that he loves you so much. You have no idea what he will do for you, just like he would do for me. We are lucky girls to have such a great guy. I love that you guys have your little "things" you do together, like empty the water in the air conditioner or clean up together or whatever you do when he puts you to bed (I guess it's a secret between you). I love that he has taught you to pray and when you pray, it is the sweetest thing ever. You bring such a sweet spirit into our home.

I love that when you see a big building you always say "Temple" and that you know who Jesus Christ is in a picture. I know you are learning lots from your nursery leaders and I am grateful to them. I love when you see pictures of cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents you know their names. I think that means so much to each of them that you realize who they are. You are one blessed little girl to have such an amazing family. I can't wait to live closer to all of them so you can realize how important family is.

Lila, I don't think you will ever know how much I love you until you have your own children one day. That is exactly what my mom told me. I never knew how much she loved me until I had you. I am so grateful that you are in our little family, that you are my first-born, and my first daughter. There are so many things that I love so much about you, and you are only 2! I can't wait for all of the adventures yet to come, because the past two years have been wonderful already.

I love this song and I used to sing it to you when you were a baby...each time I hear it or think of it I think of you.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are blue. You'll never know dear, how much I love you........."

I love you sweet girl. Happy 2nd Birthday!

Your Mommy

Love

This little guy turned 4 months a week ago....really? I just want him to stay the way he is right now forever, I can't take these kids growing up too fast. He is growing up so much. He rolls from his back to his belly all the time, and has been known to roll back to his back a couple of times. He also loves to gnaw on his hands, my hands, my hair, really anything he can put in his mouth. He LOVES to stare at his hands......he just lays there and stares straight at them, I am sure he is trying to figure out how he can get them in his mouth. He loves to sit and watch his big sis run all around. His eyes get so big and his head goes back and forth trying to keep up with her. His new obsessions, besides his hands, are the ceiling fan, grabbing the toys on his bouncer, music, smiling, sticking his tongue out while smiling, laughing, giving slobbery kisses on the cheeks, and funny noises made by all of us. He has this little language he loves to speak.....and sometimes I communicate with him in the same language, but that is something I will keep to myself.....

His thighs are about the same girth (haha) as his cheeks and all of them get lots of raspberries and kisses. I can't take how much I love this little man. I am OBSESSED. There is something definitely different with a boy than a girl. He loves me too.....he will not sit calm with J for longer than 5 minutes unless I am sitting next to them. It makes me feel so special!

Weight and height we find out on Friday....I am sure he is still about the 75% range in everything. We will see......

As for this little girl.....I am pretty sure she has skipped 18 months on and is a 2 year old. She talks up a storm, has INSANE tantrums, is SO smart (I can't get over it!), and has a lot of my stubbornness and J's listening abilities (non-existent). She is also apparently not afraid of anything! On my birthday, she fell off of a 7 foot high playground......scaring me to death, but was fine.....scared, but good. I don't even think she had a bruise from it. Everyday I am amazed at how much she soaks in everything! She amazes me with her memory....she remembers everything I say or tell her or if she hasn't played with something for a day or two and I ask her where the toy/thing is she knows exactly where to look. I don't know. I just love how she is a sponge! She loves to play outside and get dirty, she is OBSESSED with dogs....not afraid at all, and loves to say hi to other kids she sees. She loves her brother (that is what she calls him) and is protective of him. Whenever someone is holding him besides us, she gets this worried look on her face and I am pretty sure she thinks they are stealing him. She gives him lots and lots of kisses, accidental hits on his body with toys or whatever she has in her hand, and makes sure he always has his binky or blanket or anything that is his. I find him a lot with 3 blankets on him, a couple of burp clothes, and his clothes she finds gathered on top of him or around him. It is adorable. I could go on and on about her because I am obsessed with her as well. I can't believe she will be 2 years old in a couple of months. It has been the fastest 2 years of my life. J and I feel so blessed for all that we have.....it is crazy, for the situation we are in, being in school and having no income, how blessed we are to have a nice home and nice things and a wonderful family. We know our Heavenly Father has blessed us so much and we are so so so grateful!

Well, another summer break is upon us. J had his last final today and worked so hard this trimester to get through all of this classes. He earned his bachelor's degree and what an accomplishment for him. I am soooooo proud of all the hard work he has done to earn that, it wasn't easy taking those classes on top of his D.C. classes but he did it. Now we are only 3 trimesters away (1 year!) to him graduating and becoming a Doctor of Chiropractic. I think we are both READY for the next step in our life and for our family. We are headed back west for a few weeks and in that time we will hopefully figure out our plans for post graduation. We are definitely excited to see family and be out of this humid weather for a little bit!