So today is the 5 year anniversary of my Grandma's death. It is hard to believe, it seems like I was just at her funeral with my entire family celebrating her life. But then I think of all of the things that have happened since then and it seems like it was forever ago. I got married, moved across the country, and had two children. I know we have been blessed so much and she has been watching over us. I have been wanting to write all of this down, each September 22 since then but it had never happened. So both kids are asleep right now and I just got done talking with my Grandpa so I thought it would be a perfect time.
I remember things so clearly about that day. Well, it first started the night before. This sounds silly but every time I watch Grey's Anatomy I think of my Grandma. The night before the 22nd was the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. They had been playing The Fray's song "How to save a life" song over and over again on the commercials. I was living in Las Vegas with my cousin Jayme at the time and we had just finished the previous season a few weeks before on DVD. We were obsessed so I was really looking forward to the new season. My cousin was in San Diego visiting her family so I watched it by myself. For any Grey's fans it was the episode right after Izzy's fiance Denny had died. The episode was focused on her lying on her bathroom floor after his death and all of her friends coming and talking to her. Basically, the episode was about death. It was really good and I didn't really think anything of it. Tonight is the season premiere of this season of Grey's so I know that I will be thinking of her. I know that sounds so weird, but isn't it crazy what memories you have when something big happens in your life? Anyway, that night I was talking with Jason on the phone and we were talking about our upcoming wedding (less than 2 months away) and about my family. I remember him saying how grateful he was for my Grandma and Grandpa and how wonderful it was to have them as examples of a strong marriage and how great it was to have their support in everything. He didn't have grandparents like that and he really admired them. I remember thinking how grateful I was for him to mention that and realize that and how grateful I was for my grandparents. They are basically my second parents. I grew up with them, I saw them multiple times a week, and I adored them.
The next morning I woke up and I think I was a little late for work or I didn't like the way I looked or something and I remember driving and looking in the mirror and saying, "This is going to be a good day. Stay positive." I got to work and started getting everything together, steaming dresses, getting ready for appointments. I don't think we had opened quite yet but the phone was ringing and I headed into the storage room to answer it. It was my mom and I think she told me to stay calm. I was confused. She said that it was Grandma. My Grandma had an aneurysm in her stomach area that she had lived with for many years. It was something that she could live with and she had decided not to get operated on, she would just live her life until it burst, which would take her life. I said what is wrong, and my mom said that it had burst......I remember not believing at first but saying is she ok.....my mom said that she was still alive but really sick, they had taken her to the hospital but there was nothing they could do. She wanted to be at home so they doctors gave her some pain medicine. It was around 10:45am Idaho time when my mom called. So my mom said, Grandma wants to talk to you. She handed the phone over and I heard my sweet Grandma's voice say Hi Courtney. I was silently crying by then......I asked her if she was ok (the only thing I could think of) and told her I loved her. She said she was ok, and said "I am sorry I won't be able to make it to you and Jason's special day. I want you to know I love you very much." I told her I loved her again, probably lots of times and then I said bye and that is all I remember really. My mom got back on and I asked her a few more questions and she said she would keep me updated and that she had to go so that she could help my Grandma. I hung up and freaked out. I had just said goodbye to my Grandma for the last time on the phone. I had just heard her voice for the last time. Luckily there were no customers in the store yet and I ran to the back and went through my bosses office and said my Grandma is dying right now I need to go in the bathroom. I remember sitting there and bawling and bawling. Trying to call Jason and my sister B. She was in school and she didn't know yet. I was so weak. I couldn't believe it was happening. I look back and I was hysterical I think, it was like losing a mother. She was such a big part of my life, and I knew that she was sick and had prepared myself a little, but I don't think you can ever prepare for the loss of someone. I had talked to her a couple of weeks earlier on the phone and she said to me, "keep in touch." We had just had a wonderful family reunion in August and both my Grandma and Grandpa had born their testimonies in church on Sunday and I remember the Spirit being so strong and having tears running down my cheeks. I was so blessed to have this wonderful person in my life.
My boss came in and hugged and hugged me and wanted to know what they could do. They knew I was really close to my family and that I would have to travel to Idaho for a few days for the funeral and to be with my family. I left work and headed home to find flights and be close to my phone. I am pretty sure Jason was in school that day, but I remember him coming over and being with me for a little bit. He brought me a chocolate cream pie shake (my fave) from Sonic to make me feel better. I hope I was nice to him! :) I don't think he had anyone in his life at that point that he was super close with that had passed. I remember sitting on my bed in my room and going through things in my head. My Grandma was still alive and I was praying so much that she wasn't in too much pain. I thought about my Grandpa and what he was going through and my mom and aunts and uncles and all of my cousins. I heard later on that many of them were able to get there from Utah or wherever else to see her before she passed. I think I talked with my siblings lots that day too. Every phone call I received my stomach sunk. I was going through wedding stuff to keep my mind off of everything and I actually had called the Temple to set up the time for my wedding. About 5 minutes after hanging up with them I received a call to say that my Grandma was gone. It really felt like something left me, a piece of me. Thank goodness I have so many wonderful memories of her to fill that void.
The next morning I left for Idaho, Jason wasn't able to make it because of school and work. I flew to Boise to drive with my sister to Idaho Falls. Right when I saw her we both started crying and just hugged. I think the drive was full of conversation about Grandma and the memories we had. We pulled up to my grandparent's house and I lost it. I walked in and the smell and warmth and everything just swallowed me up. Everything was just left how it was always, her little post it notes, her calendar, her water cup, her lotion......I saw my Grandpa and lost it. It was so hard for me to see him without her. The next few days were full of tears but they were amazing days. All of my family was there, all of my cousins and it was like we were little kids again hanging out at Grandma's house. We talked about memories and had lots of laughs.
I was able to go with my aunts, mom, and some of my girl cousins and dress my Grandma for her casket. That was one of the most amazing and spiritual experiences I have ever had in my life. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. It was hard to see my Grandma like that, the last time I had seen her was when I was driving away from her house and her and Grandpa were waving to me on their porch. I remember I hugged her (somehow) and kissed her face and hands. She was so peaceful and beautiful.
Her funeral was so special. She had actually planned it before she had passed (which I am guessing she had it planned out since she found out she was sick). She had her grandchildren and her children have parts in it. Singing, piano playing, violin playing, speaking. The last song the ward choir sang and she had picked it and dedicated it to her children and grandchildren. It was called "May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You" and here are the lyrics:
May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,Whether near or far away.May you find that long awaited,Golden day today . . . May your troubles all be small ones,And your fortune ten times ten,May the good lord bless and keep you,‘Til we meet again . . . May you walk with the sunlight shining,An’ a blue bird in every tree.May there be silver lining,Back of every cloud you see . . . Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows,Never mind what might have been.May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,‘Till we meet again . . . May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,"Till we meet again . .
I had a hard time getting through that funeral. I remember this so clearly from afterwards when they were putting her casket in the hearse. My boy cousins were the pallbearers and most of them were older but I have 6 cousins that were under 18 and I remember seeing them trying to help carry their beloved Grandma's casket and trying to make sure they held on really tight. That was something that moved me.
She was buried in the cemetery she grew up right down the street from in Parker, Idaho. She is near her parents and siblings who went before. During the drive out there (I am sure she planned this) the hearse drove past the Idaho Falls Temple and then past her childhood home on it's way to the cemetery. It was like her life was in rewind for all of her family to remember.
It was such a horrible but wonderful few days.....I became closer to my family in so many ways. I became closer to the Spirit, I remember just being spiritually lifted and spiritually exhausted. I remember walking off the plane in Vegas and then once I stepped outside to get to the car I lost it. It was like I was headed back to the real world, the world without my Grandma. I could hear loud noises and cussing and smell smoke and see inappropriate things and it made me sick. It was very hard to go back to day to day life.
Our wedding was less than two months away and it crushed me that my Grandma wouldn't be there in person, but I know without a doubt that she was there in that room when Jason and I were sealed. There was an empty seat for some reason in there next to my mom. There should have been lots of other things going through my head, but I was thinking about her lots on my wedding day.
I am so blessed to have had her in my life for 23 years. She is still such an amazing example to me in all that I do. Five years later I still miss her so much. I think about her so much. I SO wish my kids could spend time with her at her house, but I know she is watching me and is so proud. I know that she spent time with Lila and Sterling before they were sent to me. I am SO grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge that I have of eternal families because I KNOW I will see her again, it might be in a long time, but it will be wonderful!
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA!!!
